Change - the inevitable constant

I am writing from a place of insecurity. I am trying to figure out who I am, who you all are, and how this all fits together.

There is an immense sense of change around me, yet I can not just go "all or nothing" this time.

In the past I have mostly only changed due to necessity, rites of passage, running away, and due to external factors. THIS TIME I have a little more of an idea of HOW I want to change.

This is my design, my time. More than that, I have chosen a partner to undertake these changes with me. Although he is the one starting his own business, I am playing an inextricable part in it. I have a serious belief that we are on OUR right path, and making our way together into the world in the best way we can.

Money may be tight, my day job may not always be fun, but to quote old Bob Dylan:
"the times they are a' changing"

I figure we can ride this wave out to the beach - the sunny, sandy, beautiful beach.

At school we had a saying: "Life's a beach, and then you dive". I like that version!

Remember to RE-remind yourself EVERY DAY to enjoy every moment, appreciate all the little things, and brighten the FUCK UP! It's not all moon shine and roses, but it sure as shit ain't as bad as it seems most of the time either.

Big girl panties on,
Catalyst out (catalysing of course).

Stuck Again - is it me vs my brain?

I am stuck again.

Stuck wondering where my life has gone and where it is going.

Stuck between a job and a paycheck.

Stuck between productivity and rebelling.

Stuck in my mind. I can see no way forward. Just on and on and on.

I can not see the wood for the trees. I am living in a circle, no longer moving forward, just treading water. Just staying alive, not living.

I think it is my evil twin telling me these lies.

For when I check the facts, I am managing to hold down a job for stability while my significant other commences running his own company as of this Friday.

I am holding it together every day, although I do not feel like I do it well enough. I feel like I screw my work up on purpose because I wish they would fire me - though this I also know not to be true.

I am really struggling to find out what MY thoughts are, and what are just socially constructed lies that my brain reckons I should believe.

Which way is up again? I will hang around to find out I guess.

Can money stress affect our mental distress?

I hate money - and apparently it hates me too.
I repel it, like water repels oil.
My salary comes in, my debit orders go out, I make the required payments such as cellphone, car and house, and now there is R60 left.
I can not afford to live my life.
What life?
I can afford a roof over my head, and food for the month, some petrol and that is it.
I KNOW there are people less fortunate than this. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM NOW!
I worked so hard to get here, it feels like the world is stealing from me. This is while all the time I have not even spent a cent for 6 months on any hypomanic shopping spree damnit!
I have debt, I pay it off.
I have the bare minimum cellphone package, we have a maid, and we have the (small) DSTV package.
I need to make more money.
I can't handle this crap. Just want to quit this job, sell my house, leave my boyfriend and live on a shoestring. It would suit my stress levels better. But I can not do this, WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. And things will get better. And bla bla bla.
I don't know what to do. I wish I had rich parents and that this was never an issue.
I wish I just got a proper education instead of dropping out of varsity, then I could get a better job.
I wish I could just pull together the strength for some mastermind plan for my own business that could be an overnight success.
I feel like I am going to throw up, and it's the financial distress talking, not the leftover pizza bread from the weekend that I had for lunch.

Rant and rave

I am tired. I am so tired of waiting for things to get better.


I do not feel hopeful right now.


I know I have been, and I know I will be again, but right now I am so close to throwing in the towel on my work - the knock on effect is that my boyfriend who has just quit his job will likely not support me in that. There will be more financial stress, we can just just get by now.


I wish I went for my gap year overseas when I had the chance, instead of settling down with G at 18 pretty much.


What is all these years of smoking marijuana made me worse, brought on the Bipolar 2? I have nobody to blame. No reason to blame anyone either, just feels like it would be good to be able to lay it on someone.


I don't WANT to fake it til I make it anymore. THERE IS NO MAKE IT!!


I can not always work to the 110% capacity that I sometimes achieve. Actually, more often than not, my efficiency is hampered, even when I give it my all, I jump from task to task, taking longer to get the work done. So when I actually think "hey, I'm working hard" things still backfire, I make mistakes, and the work still gets done so slowwwly.


Can I get classified as disabled so that someone who hires me can actually just leave me the fuck alone when I am ill!??


The stigma of calling Bipolar a disability is greater than the stigma of ACTUAL BIPOLAR PEOPLE!!


I FEEL like I am disabled. At least temporarily. But intermittently for life. I am fucking sorry, ok!


Here is what I am doing:
- on my first dosage of meds (mood stabiliser only) it has been 8 weeks now. It has only been 3 days since no smoking weed though, so I can't say yet. Also, the dose only came up to therapeutic level 3 weeks ago, so it can take up to 4 weeks to really kick in (Lexamil 100mg)
- trying to force sleep, not always succeeding. Hate sleeping pills, use them as needed.
- force breakfast. Now I am having to start forcing lunch too, when first it came naturally as long as I eat breakfast. Now I have resistance against eating at work again - always been an issue. I think I spent 2 years in a hypomanic episode at my last job. Didn't even realise it til 4 years later.
- therapy and group, been seeing my therapist weekly, sometimes monthly, for almost a year. It helps, I have dealt with so many old issues. Now my present moment is the issue and it's just like "wait for the meds, wait for the meds"
- Family and friends: My best friend struggles with similar issues, however she is undiagnosed and un-medicated for now (pregnant now). We can lift each other up or we can enable each other to ditch work - not always a good combination. My dad is solid as a rock, and has lived with my mom's mental illness for long. My mom is also a work in progress. I get advise when I can, and support when I need it.


I am tired of forcing all of the above. I just want to quit and go live like a hippie by the sea. I feel like I do not even CARE ABOUT all the stuff I have built up - relationship, career, house (we bought a real house this year!). I feel I could let it all go in a second and I will be fine. The only thing I want with me is my partner - and if I give the rest up, he will go too - it is too important to him all that stuff.


Also, I realise I sound illogical wanting to squander this all away.


I wish I had not used all my leave and then some to visit my parents in Germany for 2 weeks in January. I wish I had not "played sick" so many times, though now I realise it was less playing sick, and more just not telling them what the real "sick" was - my mind.


Now that they know, now that I have gone sooooo far past what would be acceptable to any employer, it's too late to take a break.


My G is staring his business NEXT WEEK, and all I can do is sabotage the rest of what we have going for us? I am supposed to be the support pillar for until such time as his business takes off and I can then work from home.


It all sounds so perfect. So perfectly far away from this day, this afternoon, here in my office. I refuse to go open my can of tuna and eat something, I feel like it is because I am punishing myself for being a bad person (read: above).


I hate this, but most of all, I hate the fact that I hate myself when I am like this.


Aaaand now I feel better - I got up and made my damn lunch ok.

I just don't feel like working

Yes, I just titled this post "I just don't feel like working"

Yes, I am writing instead of working. I think I have found my passion. The only other thing I am doing right now is connecting with people on various forums, researching interesting topics and writing.

I could also dig a little drawing right now.

So I am reverse-engineering my dream job. Here are some elements I envision my dream job to have:

- Research on Google - topics of interest
- Participate on social forums - contributing content, responding/ connecting with other like-mided individuals
- Write concise, legible, witty and easy to read pieces of work
- Draw by hand or digitally - creating new ideas, or editing existing images
- Getting out in nature for inspiration
- Keep on learning - doing courses/ exercises to improve my skills
- Teach others how to "live better" - training of some sort
- Creating handcrafted products, and selling or gifting them to people
- Organising events where people like me can showcase their talents/ wares

So what would this be...? More on that later (hint: I do not actually have the answer yet - suggestions?!)

Mindful listening - how to really listen

Listening is a dynamic thing. It is affected by more factors than one would think:

• The environment you are in
• Your current mood
• Your focus
• Multi-tasking
• Thinking ahead to what you want to say
• Feeling the urge to identify with everything you hear

When these factors are out of balance, it results in one person not listening, and the other person not being heard. That is called bad communication. At its worst really.

I have spent the past week or so focusing on getting back on track at work, getting my productivity up to a good level again. In addition to that, I have run two 5km races - ok, I walk/ran the one! Also, I make a point of practising mindful listening, especially upon arriving home.

Listening to what my loved one has to say has really made a difference to my evenings. I usually steamroll the conversation with something along the lines of "What's do you want for supper", and the conversation ends. When I started holding back, staying silent, and listening before responding, suddenly I got a whole lot more to listen to. And not in a bad way!

So this week has been pretty amazing. Communicating with your partner is so important, even more so now we are starting off on his business as of 1 August. We are so excited, we have all the scheduling software, business cards and flyers ready to go. I will be keeping my job, as I still have lots to learn about small business management. Also, we need one stable salary for at least a while, until the money is rolling in from the new business!

Listening to music - now that is another story. I have learned that there are mornings I should listen to the radio (DJ Fresh is on in the mornings now - it's the best!) - and others where I should have my CD in. Some days some songs just... ugh - overtake me emotionally? It's loco emotion man. I need to consciously decide to skip sad songs some days. I think this is temporary. A lot of the best songs are sad ones!

Anyway, I need to brag a little - I got my Level 1 Certificate for Adobe CS5. That is after procrastinating the course for a whole year! I did it, yes! I have also been using the software for all of G's designing of invoice/ jobcard templates. It feels good to apply a new skill so close to home.

Moral of the story - listen more. You will find that people talk to you more, and also let you into their world a bit more. Also, every so often you can get some good advice, when you least expect it.

It was suggested that perhaps therapy and the medication I am on IS NOT ENOUGH to keep my state of mind healthy. I am going to try out a support group nearby. I have no idea what to expect, so wish me luck!

I'll leave you with a thought for our next discussion:

Do you believe you deserve what you have in life? Do you deserve more? Or less? What does it mean to "deserve" anything? Who decides what you deserve?

TGIF - Why I try to identify with everyone, and why I should just listen

No matter how difficult your Friday is going to be, you have it in the back of your mind that you get 2 whole days to yourself once you are done pushing through.



Picture courtesy of www.tuclubsocial.com

I sing to myself on the way to work most days - but Fridays especially so. And I try to make sure other people see me - whether it makes them laugh or think "what a loco lady!" I don't mind - if I can bring you some entertainment during your daily commute, I will!

I do not listen to the radio much - more into my own playlists of tunes from over the years. But when I used to listen to the local station on my commute, I would be singing the good songs, and looking out for people that were doing the same - I love that moment of connection to a total stranger, where you realise you are doing the same thing at the same time, in totally different realities.

It is what I live for, human connection. I love talking with a new acquaintance and getting that feeling of "Yessssss, you get me, and I get you!"

I have always tried to create experiences like these in everyday life. I do so with the lady at the till when I pay for my groceries. "Long day, huh?" Often though, I am merely bouncing off of the other person's conversation.

This does not always work so well - for example:
My boyfriend tells me about how something is for him, or what he experienced at work today. I immediately bring up MY version of this - thing. This can come across as quite selfish, and as turning the attention to yourself, when all I was trying to do was go "Ah, yes I see what you are saying, and I understand, because see: here is how I experienced it!"

He does not always get it.

I have had the experience where I am the speaker, and someone else interjects from their perspective - honestly it feels like somebody bulldozing over your conversation. It feels like they did not hear you at all, and that what you just said triggered something THEY remembered and wanted to say - robbing you of your moment. Or rather, it feels like nobody cares to listen to and hear you.

I talk a lot. Clearly - I had to start a blog so that I could just get this all out! (Yes, the boyfriend reached full capacity. The best friend still works - but I needed MORE!!)

It is now obvious to me that one of the greatest things many people crave is to be heard. So I am going to do a little mindful listening project. Watch this space.