Rant and rave

I am tired. I am so tired of waiting for things to get better.


I do not feel hopeful right now.


I know I have been, and I know I will be again, but right now I am so close to throwing in the towel on my work - the knock on effect is that my boyfriend who has just quit his job will likely not support me in that. There will be more financial stress, we can just just get by now.


I wish I went for my gap year overseas when I had the chance, instead of settling down with G at 18 pretty much.


What is all these years of smoking marijuana made me worse, brought on the Bipolar 2? I have nobody to blame. No reason to blame anyone either, just feels like it would be good to be able to lay it on someone.


I don't WANT to fake it til I make it anymore. THERE IS NO MAKE IT!!


I can not always work to the 110% capacity that I sometimes achieve. Actually, more often than not, my efficiency is hampered, even when I give it my all, I jump from task to task, taking longer to get the work done. So when I actually think "hey, I'm working hard" things still backfire, I make mistakes, and the work still gets done so slowwwly.


Can I get classified as disabled so that someone who hires me can actually just leave me the fuck alone when I am ill!??


The stigma of calling Bipolar a disability is greater than the stigma of ACTUAL BIPOLAR PEOPLE!!


I FEEL like I am disabled. At least temporarily. But intermittently for life. I am fucking sorry, ok!


Here is what I am doing:
- on my first dosage of meds (mood stabiliser only) it has been 8 weeks now. It has only been 3 days since no smoking weed though, so I can't say yet. Also, the dose only came up to therapeutic level 3 weeks ago, so it can take up to 4 weeks to really kick in (Lexamil 100mg)
- trying to force sleep, not always succeeding. Hate sleeping pills, use them as needed.
- force breakfast. Now I am having to start forcing lunch too, when first it came naturally as long as I eat breakfast. Now I have resistance against eating at work again - always been an issue. I think I spent 2 years in a hypomanic episode at my last job. Didn't even realise it til 4 years later.
- therapy and group, been seeing my therapist weekly, sometimes monthly, for almost a year. It helps, I have dealt with so many old issues. Now my present moment is the issue and it's just like "wait for the meds, wait for the meds"
- Family and friends: My best friend struggles with similar issues, however she is undiagnosed and un-medicated for now (pregnant now). We can lift each other up or we can enable each other to ditch work - not always a good combination. My dad is solid as a rock, and has lived with my mom's mental illness for long. My mom is also a work in progress. I get advise when I can, and support when I need it.


I am tired of forcing all of the above. I just want to quit and go live like a hippie by the sea. I feel like I do not even CARE ABOUT all the stuff I have built up - relationship, career, house (we bought a real house this year!). I feel I could let it all go in a second and I will be fine. The only thing I want with me is my partner - and if I give the rest up, he will go too - it is too important to him all that stuff.


Also, I realise I sound illogical wanting to squander this all away.


I wish I had not used all my leave and then some to visit my parents in Germany for 2 weeks in January. I wish I had not "played sick" so many times, though now I realise it was less playing sick, and more just not telling them what the real "sick" was - my mind.


Now that they know, now that I have gone sooooo far past what would be acceptable to any employer, it's too late to take a break.


My G is staring his business NEXT WEEK, and all I can do is sabotage the rest of what we have going for us? I am supposed to be the support pillar for until such time as his business takes off and I can then work from home.


It all sounds so perfect. So perfectly far away from this day, this afternoon, here in my office. I refuse to go open my can of tuna and eat something, I feel like it is because I am punishing myself for being a bad person (read: above).


I hate this, but most of all, I hate the fact that I hate myself when I am like this.


Aaaand now I feel better - I got up and made my damn lunch ok.